As I sit here at the kitchen counter in my joyfully quiet home at 6:29 am two days before Christmas, I am reminded of the place my eating disorder has held in my life. Its purpose and protection. Its rebellion and focus. Its ability to somehow guide me here.
I am grateful.
As a young child, I could not express the emotions I felt about the highly charged situations surrounding me. I had no sense of who I was, where I belonged, or what to expect. I felt alone and abandoned as I shuffled between uncertainty and fear.
As a teen, I used the substances that surrounded me in order to escape, soothe, and medicate: food, alcohol, drugs, unhealthy relationships; the list goes on and on. I endured bullying, teasing, and low self-esteem and longed second-by-second for the flavors on my tongue that distracted me from the thoughts in my head.
In my early twenties, I held so much regret in my body for a life I felt squandered. With the mirror of professional help, I saw the possiblities and began to understand the little girl inside who wanted to be protected in to adulthood. I indulged her and she allowed me to begin to take on adult responsibilities and consider giving food a less prominent position in my box of coping tools.
At 30 something, I met the man who would show me love, trust, and a daily assurance of not being abandoned. Together, we created a family and in my small sons I saw what is possible: attachment, unconditional love, forgiveness, and the reflection of a strong woman who could and would overcome just about anything. In fact, I discovered I could follow my passions and be okay.
So here I am. I will be 43 in a couple of weeks and a sea of optimism carries me daily. My fears are present and I understand their purpose, but do not let them guide me. I reject shame and believe in the power of recovery and relationships. There is much good will in the world and I embrace both that I am shown and that I deliver.
Through our stories we share our gifts with others so that they might also find a path. My own story has evolved through the many contributions of others and I pass it forward with the hope of reaching one or many.
"Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls." Melody Beattie.
I wish you inward peace and contentment in the New Year!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
HUGE catch up!
Thank goodness for DVR's. I have only a few shows that I watch on a regular basis. I usually settle in to bed around 9:30 every evening with my husband and we pick a show to watch after we've had a chat about our respective days, the kids, and all the other things couples talk about.
This past week we had a marathon HUGE make-up session. I've been traveling to meetings and spending a lot of time writing grants and preparing for our annual conference, which will be in Arizona on March 31-April 2, 2011 so I was happy to get caught up.
During my HUGE marathon, I caught myself crying several times. Some of the tears were because I could relate to the feelings of the characters and some were out of pride. The pride is what caught me off-guard. It sparked a realization that the rebellion I so proudly engaged in during my teen years was self-protective.
I see this same quality in several of the characters on HUGE. They are engaging in life and questioning the adults in their lives like most teenagers do. The extra layer here is that some of the "out there" rebellion is a coping mechanism that allows them to deal with the shame many feel around their body size. Will is the epitome of this and I feel a sense of pride every time she sticks up for herself or bucks the system--it feels almost personal.
Of course, this rebellion and hard exterior does not allow for healthy relationships, exactly what is necessary to overcome an eating disorder, disordered eating, or poor self-esteem/body image.
This said, I believe that those of us who embrace our "inner rebel" are able to stick up for ourselves and eventually, once we break down the resistance to change, are able to go on to advocate for others.
I am not saying that Will's anger is healthy, but I am saying that her spirit should not be broken and I can't wait to see where she ends up. I firmly believe she will be the one advocating for others once she learns how to deal with herself.
This past week we had a marathon HUGE make-up session. I've been traveling to meetings and spending a lot of time writing grants and preparing for our annual conference, which will be in Arizona on March 31-April 2, 2011 so I was happy to get caught up.
During my HUGE marathon, I caught myself crying several times. Some of the tears were because I could relate to the feelings of the characters and some were out of pride. The pride is what caught me off-guard. It sparked a realization that the rebellion I so proudly engaged in during my teen years was self-protective.
I see this same quality in several of the characters on HUGE. They are engaging in life and questioning the adults in their lives like most teenagers do. The extra layer here is that some of the "out there" rebellion is a coping mechanism that allows them to deal with the shame many feel around their body size. Will is the epitome of this and I feel a sense of pride every time she sticks up for herself or bucks the system--it feels almost personal.
Of course, this rebellion and hard exterior does not allow for healthy relationships, exactly what is necessary to overcome an eating disorder, disordered eating, or poor self-esteem/body image.
This said, I believe that those of us who embrace our "inner rebel" are able to stick up for ourselves and eventually, once we break down the resistance to change, are able to go on to advocate for others.
I am not saying that Will's anger is healthy, but I am saying that her spirit should not be broken and I can't wait to see where she ends up. I firmly believe she will be the one advocating for others once she learns how to deal with herself.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Mrs. Obama's Comments Today
I watched with interest today as the First Lady discussed her "Let's Move" initiative to overcome childhood obesity. Mrs. Obama solicitied questions via Facebook in advance and live during the 30 minute "chat" via web.
BEDA submitted a question about how the task force would address weight-bias as part of the task force, but unfortunately it was not selected.
This said, I am thrilled that the First Lady IS getting the message the eating disorders community is putting forth. In response to a question about being teased as an overweight child, Mrs. Obama advised to make the conversation with children about health, not weight. She also spoke to the fact that it is important that we do not create eating disorders by how we approach obesity. Check out the joint letter to Mrs. Obama from AED, EDC, BEDA, NEDA, and iaedp at Eating Disorders Organization's Letter to Mrs. Obama sent earlier this year.
My disappointment comes around the fact that despite this good advice (right out of the eating disorders community's talking points), she is still recommending BMI as a helpful tool, which I believe sends a mixed message. She doesn't fully "get it." If we are truly taking the focus off of weight and putting it on health, then the BMI should not be necessary. It is a flawed tool and puts the focus (and resulting anxiety, depression, etc) right back squarely on the shoulder of the child being measured.
I realize its a difficult argument to conceptualize and it will take some time for the First Lady and the general public to understand why many of us are so adament about keeping it out of the hands of school districts, etc. At a minimum it should be used with a pediatrician who understands how to present it accurately to parents and cause a child to obsess about his/her weight.
Baby steps...baby steps.
BEDA submitted a question about how the task force would address weight-bias as part of the task force, but unfortunately it was not selected.
This said, I am thrilled that the First Lady IS getting the message the eating disorders community is putting forth. In response to a question about being teased as an overweight child, Mrs. Obama advised to make the conversation with children about health, not weight. She also spoke to the fact that it is important that we do not create eating disorders by how we approach obesity. Check out the joint letter to Mrs. Obama from AED, EDC, BEDA, NEDA, and iaedp at Eating Disorders Organization's Letter to Mrs. Obama sent earlier this year.
My disappointment comes around the fact that despite this good advice (right out of the eating disorders community's talking points), she is still recommending BMI as a helpful tool, which I believe sends a mixed message. She doesn't fully "get it." If we are truly taking the focus off of weight and putting it on health, then the BMI should not be necessary. It is a flawed tool and puts the focus (and resulting anxiety, depression, etc) right back squarely on the shoulder of the child being measured.
I realize its a difficult argument to conceptualize and it will take some time for the First Lady and the general public to understand why many of us are so adament about keeping it out of the hands of school districts, etc. At a minimum it should be used with a pediatrician who understands how to present it accurately to parents and cause a child to obsess about his/her weight.
Baby steps...baby steps.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Ending Weight Bias: The Easiest Way to Tackle Obesity in America - Diet & Weight Loss - Health.com
Adding this link for those interested in the subject matter. Has some great links.
Ending Weight Bias: The Easiest Way to Tackle Obesity in America - Diet & Weight Loss - Health.com
Ending Weight Bias: The Easiest Way to Tackle Obesity in America - Diet & Weight Loss - Health.com
Friday, July 9, 2010
Nothing About Us, Without Us
I saw this for the first time yesterday when posted on Facebook by Deb Burgard, a psychologist and eating disorders expert. I've heard Deb say it before: "Nothing about us without us" and I recognized the phrase from other movements I've been involved with throughout the years. But when I really thought about it and looked carefully at the chart, I had an angry moment that despite all of my work with BEDA, I have not felt in some time.
I've been pretty open about my own struggles, but I have to say that seeing this graph made me realize that I have pushed the feelings I've had about being mistreated, underestimated, bullied, and laughed at throughout my life because of my weight way below the surface.
In high school, my best friend called me a nickname that was very much like Shamoo the Whale. Yes, this is right...my BFF. How humiliating and demeaning. I buried it way down somewhere and laughed it off. After all, I wanted to be liked. To stick up for myself would have meant loosing an entire group of friends (or so I thought).
So are the collective overweight/obese population currently represented in the national conversation to eliminate obesity? Is their own plight to be happy, healthy, functioning individuals recognized? No, according to this chart, which comes directly from the list of individuals/groups invited to the White House to advise on the "Let's Move" initiative.
Why not? Do we not deserve a voice? Doesn't it benefit any effort to listen to the people affected? Would we attack those with cancer and make decisions without them? I don't like comparing obesity with cancer, because I believe it is apples and oranges, but I'd like to have those making the decisions think about what it means to not listen to those they are trying to "fix."
The only eating disorder group in attendance at the meetings hosted by the White House was the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA). Lynn Grefe, its CEO did a fine job representing our collective cause, but she is one person in a sea of medical groups and weight loss companies. The fact that BEDA was not invited nor any other group representing those who are fat is appaulling.
Perhaps its because the groups that DO represent fat people are considered out of the mainstream. Perhaps it is because there seems to be an angry approach by the organizations that are out there advocating for civil rights for fat people.
I'm not sure if there is another way considering that obesity community does not want to really listen to what the fat advocates are saying. There is a middle ground and there is a common sense approach, but neither side wants to part with their extremes.
BEDA's approach is to work within all stakeholder organizations in order to act as a bridge. We hope we can teach acceptance and encourage an effort to do no harm. We think the concerns of fat people and those with eating disorders are VERY relevant to the current conversation. We are making in roads, but it is slow and sometimes frustrating.
We all need to begin to listen carefully as we will then surely hear the answers. I imagine hearing the following:
I want to be respected, liked, loved and part of a community.
I want to feel better about myself RIGHT NOW, not 5 pounds from now.
I want my physician to treat me without judgement so that I feel comfortable turning to him/her about health issues.
I want to engage in movement without feeling that others are watching and judging me.
I want the assumption to be made that I am smart, and productive based on my contributions and actions--not my size.
I want to be talked about for how I treat others and what I have to contribute, not for my size or shape.
I want to follow my dreams and not be limited by what others believe I can and can't do based on my body size.
I want to be chosen as a friend, love interest, teammate, colleague, or partner because I am human and have the right to be happy.
I want to live life without the fear of violence against me because of my size.- I want to be happy.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Admitting My Own Weight Bias
I've been ready many of the reviews of HUGE and the online chatter. It is an interesting mix of disdain and cheering.
I'm wondering about the disdain and where it is coming from.
One of the things that really stuck out for me last night and gave me food for thought this morning was the fact that the fat kids in the fat camp are weight-biased. Within a sea of overweight and obese kids there is a pecking order according to how fat the individual is. They treated one another exactly as the rest of the world treats them...badly.
If within the ranks of those who are considered "fat" there is weight-bias then how are we supposed to take a message of acceptance out to the rest of society? How are we supposed to focus on our health and take the steps necessary to treat our bodies with kindness? How are we supposed to make healthy food choices and engage in movement when we are constantly depressed, anxious, and saddened by the way we look? Making healthy decisions about how to treat our bodies takes energy, time, and compassion. We will never accomplish this if we are constantly berating ourselves and others--negative energy is exhausting.
Weight-bias is pervasive and I recall at the height of my own self-hatred I made sure to never surround myself with fat people. All of my friends were thin and beautiful. I conciously thought about who my friends were according to how they looked. Surely, if all of these thin people were my friends the remainder of society would like me and consider me the exceptional fat girl...the one and only who was good enough to hang around with "normal" people.
Wow--I actually admitted that. Feels good!
I'm wondering about the disdain and where it is coming from.
One of the things that really stuck out for me last night and gave me food for thought this morning was the fact that the fat kids in the fat camp are weight-biased. Within a sea of overweight and obese kids there is a pecking order according to how fat the individual is. They treated one another exactly as the rest of the world treats them...badly.
If within the ranks of those who are considered "fat" there is weight-bias then how are we supposed to take a message of acceptance out to the rest of society? How are we supposed to focus on our health and take the steps necessary to treat our bodies with kindness? How are we supposed to make healthy food choices and engage in movement when we are constantly depressed, anxious, and saddened by the way we look? Making healthy decisions about how to treat our bodies takes energy, time, and compassion. We will never accomplish this if we are constantly berating ourselves and others--negative energy is exhausting.
Weight-bias is pervasive and I recall at the height of my own self-hatred I made sure to never surround myself with fat people. All of my friends were thin and beautiful. I conciously thought about who my friends were according to how they looked. Surely, if all of these thin people were my friends the remainder of society would like me and consider me the exceptional fat girl...the one and only who was good enough to hang around with "normal" people.
Wow--I actually admitted that. Feels good!
Monday, June 28, 2010
HUGE Premier
I just finished watching the first episode of HUGE on ABC Family tonight. I have to say that overall I was good with the show and its attempt to address the many complexities living in a fat body add to the already complex life most of us lead.
As a recovering binge eater, the show reminded me of how forced restriction brought out OCD tendencies and the "high" I sometimes felt when I ate as little as possible. It was not a sustainable state for me and I have to say that the thought of going to a weight loss camp sends chills down my spine even now.
The show also reminds me of how grateful I am for relief from the torture of dieting and the freedom of acceptance. This said, I feel for those who continue to live this way. If only they could focus on health and not their size.
At one point in the show, I was reminded of how many hours I've spent in the past looking in the mirror to see if I could tell how much weight I may or may not have lost. There was a time that all I cared about is how good I could be at dieting. What an awful existence. I missed so much.
What do you think? More later as I allow myself to digest...
As a recovering binge eater, the show reminded me of how forced restriction brought out OCD tendencies and the "high" I sometimes felt when I ate as little as possible. It was not a sustainable state for me and I have to say that the thought of going to a weight loss camp sends chills down my spine even now.
The show also reminds me of how grateful I am for relief from the torture of dieting and the freedom of acceptance. This said, I feel for those who continue to live this way. If only they could focus on health and not their size.
At one point in the show, I was reminded of how many hours I've spent in the past looking in the mirror to see if I could tell how much weight I may or may not have lost. There was a time that all I cared about is how good I could be at dieting. What an awful existence. I missed so much.
What do you think? More later as I allow myself to digest...
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