Grateful Journey to a Story

As I sit here at the kitchen counter in my joyfully quiet home at 6:29 am two days before Christmas, I am reminded of the place my eating disorder has held in my life. Its purpose and protection. Its rebellion and focus. Its ability to somehow guide me here.

I am grateful.

As a young child, I could not express the emotions I felt about the highly charged situations surrounding me. I had no sense of who I was, where I belonged, or what to expect. I felt alone and abandoned as I shuffled between uncertainty and fear.

As a teen, I used the substances that surrounded me in order to escape, soothe, and medicate: food, alcohol, drugs, unhealthy relationships; the list goes on and on. I endured bullying, teasing, and low self-esteem and longed second-by-second for the flavors on my tongue that distracted me from the thoughts in my head.

In my early twenties, I held so much regret in my body for a life I felt squandered. With the mirror of professional help, I saw the possiblities and began to understand the little girl inside who wanted to be protected in to adulthood. I indulged her and she allowed me to begin to take on adult responsibilities and consider giving food a less prominent position in my box of coping tools.

At 30 something, I met the man who would show me love, trust, and a daily assurance of not being abandoned. Together, we created a family and in my small sons I saw what is possible: attachment, unconditional love, forgiveness, and the reflection of a strong woman who could and would overcome just about anything. In fact, I discovered I could follow my passions and be okay.

So here I am. I will be 43 in a couple of weeks and a sea of optimism carries me daily. My fears are present and I understand their purpose, but do not let them guide me. I reject shame and believe in the power of recovery and relationships. There is much good will in the world and I embrace both that I am shown and that I deliver.

Through our stories we share our gifts with others so that they might also find a path. My own story has evolved through the many contributions of others and I pass it forward with the hope of reaching one or many.

"Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls." Melody Beattie.

I wish you inward peace and contentment in the New Year!

Pre-show Thoughts

Getting ready to sit down to watch "HUGE" this evening after I put the kids to bed. Looking forward to writing more after I view the show.

I worked all day today on a grant application for a project that BEDA is doing to fund a weight bias and eating disorders educational program. It brought a lot of memories for me and I recalled when my 6 year old came home from school one day and asked "Mommy, why are you a different size than other Mom's." The funny thing is that I am actually the SAME size as many of the Moms he knows. I knew he had witnessed some fat talk at school--exactly what we want to educate on. I am hoping this program will be funded fully so it can be taken to kids ranging from K-12.

My kids aren't taught that "fat" is considered a bad thing. They know that Mommy is the shape and size that she is, just as daddy is his own shape and size. There is no moral value put on human size in our house.

We read "Shapesville" (I strongly recommend it for Pre-K and elementary aged children) and discuss often that every person is different.

It is important to me that my boys do not base their self-worth on what they look like or what shape they happen to be. My own eating disorder has biological foundations, I believe, but the continual harrassment by society to conform to a certain size was key to further destroying my health, body image and self-confidence.

Fat talk is harmful and we must get to a place of acceptance so that people can actually move toward a healthy body and mind.

Off to cuddle with my kids before sending them off to sleepy land. More after the show tonight!

First Blog

Wow! Here I am writing my very first blog on a regular basis. Thank you for following me and please let your friends know.

I will be musing mostly about issues related to binge eating disorder and the various other conditions that are related. I will also be sharing some of my experiences as the Founder and CEO of the Binge Eating Disorder Association and what is going on in the world of advocacy around these issues.

There is so much happening and it is a good time to be talking and sharing. I look forward to your thoughts, comments, and suggestions for topics.

Happy Friday everyone!